Targets For Improvement: 

This was my initial article I wrote before Miss Hales gave me some feedback. From my feedback:

• I have realised that Guernsey may not be the correct location for a hip hop tour, the reasons being that Guernsey is seen as a retirement home for the elderly and not a hyped and crazy place that hosts tours.
• I also need to be more clear as to who’s talking as it could be miss leading for the viewer.
• Moreover the article didn’t really flow and seemed rather jumbled, in order to fix this I will have to alter the way I write the article.
• It has been said that I haven’t really given the stars their own personalities, to do this I could give more intense detail into their back stories and how they’ve come so far from school.
• I have also made minor errors in spelling which I will correct.
• Furthermore I occasionally would use the wrong ‘their/there’ in order to achieve maximum success these changes are vital otherwise my article could be seen as unprofessional.
• Finally I talked about the stars being hung over, this may be considered inappropriate for a school magazine and therefore changed it to something more suitable.

I had Alex Tapp proof read my finalised article, this allowed me to see if it all made sense and flowed nicely. After hearing Alex read my article I  believe I could alter some of my punctuation so that the article is easy to read and understand.

Alex has said that not all the words I used made sense, in addition to this I have decided to alter some of the language used to make it clear for the audience to read.

some of my sentences go on for to long in order to fix this I will proof read it and place in full stops and commas where need be.